My Democrat Impression

Hi. I'm a democrat.

Listen, I hope I'm not interrupting but I thought I might request a moment of your time so I can tell you why I think that George Bush's policies are right for this country. I mean why they are not right for this country.

Take Iraq for example. On second thought....scratch that.
You see, I kind of voted to go to war in Iraq. You see, at the time Bush's numbers were in the 90's. Tom Delay really did have a hammer back then. ...That's not a metaphor. He actually had this big-ass red-handled ball-peen hammer that he would carry in his briefcase.

I don't think he ever actually hit anyone with it, but I wound not put it past the man. Anyway...why don't we just talk about something else.

Healthcare? Well sure, we can talk about that if you want to. Every American should have access to affordable healthcare. The trouble is that we are running a record deficit right now, so there's really no godly way to pay for any sort of decent program. Plus if you hadn't noticed, we are the minority party. We've got about as much power right now as a flea's nightlight. The only thing we can do right now is be vocal... but not too vocal. You see we've got this little image problem when it comes to our vociferousness. I mean we all saw what happened to Howard Dean.

Deficits? Well that is kind of a sore subject with me.

I think deficits are bad.

The Republicans say deficits don't matter.

The trouble is, the media gives both points of view equal time. In fact that's the trouble with just about every important issue. They are all just complex enough that the average citizen can't really comprehend them. Shit, half the time I can't comprehend them.
So no matter how many times we keep going back on Chris Matthews and saying that something is bad, some jerkoff pops up in another little picture-in-picture box to say it's good.

It's the darndest thing. It gets me so mad.

Luckily my adivors carry around a framed picture of Howard Dean, which they hold up when they sense that I'm about to blow. Works every time.

The truth is, you really just have to trust us Democrats. We know whaat we're doing. You see..it's statistically proven that the average American attention-span is at it's best about two hours. That's why most movies are exactly that long.

So, you see, it does not make a damn bit of difference what we do right now. Same goes for the other side. Why else do you think they can pull all the crazy shit they pull? Because they know in about a week or so it will all be ancient history, that's why.

You want proof? Take the Katrina hurricane, when Bush was caught with his pants totally wrapped around his ankles, Bush's poll numbers hit rock bottom at about 38-39  or so.

A week laer, when Rita hit, of course Bush was prepared a little better this time, and more importantly, the media was prepared as well. So luckily for Bush, this time he was able to schedule in about seven or eight photo ops, to let folks know he's on top of his game.

Walla..Bush goes up five points. Katrina? Who's she?

So basically, we've just been letting them go nuts, waiting for enough Republican scandals to pile up to the point where by the time people have forgotten one scandal, another scandal pops up in it's place.

If we plan this right, and I think we have, the scandals will have a sort of domino effect, each scandal kicking into gear an entirely new one.

All of this will happen very slowly.

Maddeningly slowly.

But you've just got to trust us. Seriously, you have to trust us. What else ar you gonna do? Protest? ha ha.

Seriously though, I think we have the timing down pretty damn good this time.

See you in 2006.

this speech will self destruct in two hours